He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
