that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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