I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
