the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
