you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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