he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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