my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
