I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
