He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
