yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
