You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
