WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
