It would be one hovered percent delicioui
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
