Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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