Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
