Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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