saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
