Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I deserve this hangover.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
