Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
