Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
