thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
