I wish I could punch you in the face.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
