I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
