Sorry, I don't speak sober.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
