youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
