Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
