i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
