Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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