My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
