I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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