i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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