no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
