Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
