If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
