My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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