Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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