so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
