Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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