K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
