I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
