I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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