I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
