Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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