i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
time to smoke my breakfast
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
