last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
