So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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