My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
