I cut my penus on the lid.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
