I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
