my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
