I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
