Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
