Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
