How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
