The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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